2013年6月14-18日、16:07PM
These past few days i've been wondering, wondering about what am i gonna do next. That friday was sort of good day for me honestly i can't even remember what happened that day. Ive met someone named 'Danmark' i dont know truly but that's what i understand, i was suprprised to saw his girlfriend and im kinda envious of them cause although their not that goo-looking still, they love each other and i can see that 'Danmark' is making efforts for the girl, i even reported whats happening to 'us' i mean i've discover something from 'Danmark' and now i can tell that my boyfriend is a stupid one, i now realize how he would compare me to his ex girlfriend but that disturbed my ego as a lady. We all know that every girl wants to be the only one and we hate to be compared especially form their past if they want so then why not break up with us and return like a lost puppy to their 'ex' ? That moment i can't take it away from my mind it makes me weak knowing that my efforts aren't good enough for him. Then the night came up, My boyfriend texted me and i don't know i felt excitement and as the result i've loaded my sim immediately you don't know how crazy i am for him that i even walked by myself in a far away place just for a load in a dark road with only the cars and tricycles ro be heard. Yes we texted and texted but as time running in iur conversation get worst and worst that it even hit my nerves.
Saturday, Thank God that i can even bare sleep with this messy thoughts. I texted him and say sorry cause i know its my fault he send me a 'Good morning message' with an i love you on it and my fragile heart fell, all my worries and guilt washed away. We had a good talk and i have a good vibes for now until he came to ask somebody else's number TO ME, i repeat TO ME and its a girl. He asked me 'Jennevive De Asis' number and at one glance i know that he had a crush on her, he was worried cause they have arguements until their last text, I felt jealous. How can he would be worry like that to her unlike me that just a bit i can now tell that he just take-me-for-granted. In the end, i cant win his heart and attention. I pretend to not know anything, i even voluntered to get his crush's number to someone. See how love makes a girl foolish ? I can't even imagine myself getting fooled by this unknown specie but its the risk i must take and i cantdeny the fact that i love him. Again the night ended like there's no conflict happen in us, i cant even sleep nor close my eyes, its just the fact that i want to cry to the things happening now but my thoughts washed away when i realize that in the next day is 'Father's Day' and i want to greet my father so its just the only thing that i want to bury in my mind for a while and thank goodness it did work.
Sunday, I can't feel the day. I dont know its just that how many time i want to forget the bad things i just cant deny and run away from it. I want solution, the answer to all my problems.In other side i have greeted my father a 'HAPPY HAPPY FATHER's DAY' then we watched t.v exactly was the commercial reffering about 'Parent Absences' then at the moment my father asked me, "Am i an absent father to my children ?" i was in the reality of shocked then i whole heartedly say, "Of course not Pa, although we can't be together and you're not here anytime your presence remain in oour hearts and in our home. We appreciate your hard work and we all know that its necessary for us to have an income and family living." And at that moment my father pause for a while and answered, "Really ?", he say that with a smile and i know that i make my father proud. But we all know that Happiness is not permanent.
Here's the scenario, i waited for him although i looked desperate for him. Im still waiting for his texts i even send him 61 flooded messages but it took 30 minutes for him to reply and do you now what's his reason ? Well he just enjoy the rain and the shame of him he's a 4th year high school for pete's sake and he's acting well, so stubborn. I felt irratated that i cant even swallow his reasons. This is like us having a short-time of cool down then he hit my nerves again, He asked me to changed our endearments into 'Babes' then i replied, 'Okay, anything you like' after that he keep on insisting that i dont want it and the worst of it that makes me felt so weak yet fury is that he told me that 'You're just wasting my time' or i dont know. I cried, but it just settled then i found my answer to all my questions. HE DIDNT LOVE ME or foremost HE DIDNT BOTHER TO LOVE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE and the worst of it HE JUST TAKE ME FOR GRANTED.
And as of my peaceful Monday, i've decided not to entertain his texts, his glance, his moves in school. I don't give a damn anymore. I just wanna lived my life without regerets i dont wanna be fooled anymore i dont care in his reasons anymore that night is the last time i should loved him. And now its all buried in the deepest center of my heart.
Today ? Well i just found out that someone's had a crush on me. I dont wanna name him until i find out its true. I met a boy and as far as i can remember his last name is 'Mirasol' from III-Bravery, we even shaked hands and introduced ourselved to each other because of 'Danmark' he thought that i was finding another boyfriend or something but i insist that its not like that i dont want to have a rebound because of my bitterness and i want to settle it that way. Ill just need the perfect time to break up with my boyfriend, just a little bit more and i can now get away from this uneasiness and worries.
"... Just a little bit more then i can end this guilty sorrow."
